The Order of the Phoenix in 15 Minutes
by Iggity
Summary: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix in 15 to 30 minutes. I'm back with my parody of the film, just like I did with Goblet of Fire. Enjoy!


**A/N:** So I'm back with my parody of Order of the Phoenix. This was difficult to do because there was already a lot of comic relief in this film, and it was one of the only ones that really stayed true to the book. But I got a review for my parody of _Goblet of Fire_ saying that the person couldn't wait until I put up this one. I had replied that I might not do it, but here it is! I was watching it with my parents and I realised, 'Dude. There is just _so much_ I could do with this!'. So I did. Note: the formatting was all wacky (I tried to use the crossout feature and it worked, it just didn't transfer over to this copy), so there is one word with **_(crossout)_** and **_(end crossout)_** on either side. It means that the word is crossed out. Because hates me, apparently .

I would like to thank **Lala16x** for encouraging this.

So, like last time, there will be a peanut gallery. It will include my father, Shelly, myself, and possibly even my mother. Yes, I know. Exciting, isn't it? -laughs-

And, like last time, I love the kids. And the other actors (Alan Rickman and Gary Oldman, will you marry me? Please? We could have threesomes!), and, of course, the story itself. This is all in good fun.

Just a little note: this will have some jokes from the last parody I wrote. You don't have to read the GoF parody in order to read this one, but when you get to the joke, it will be slightly confusing. Also, this is (like the last one XD) rated T for a reason. It contains crude and vulgar language and extreme sexual humour. 'Cause I roll mad deep, yo.

...I don't even know what that _means_.

**Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix in Fifteen to Thirty Minutes**

**THE BEGINNING:** -is dark-

**THE SCENE:** -turns light-

**KATEY:** Whoa. Mindfuck, much?

**RANDOM ANNOUNCER:** ... even worse. Going up to mid-thirty celsius ...

**KATEY:** Meh. I moved into my house in hotter weather.

**THE SCENE:** -changes-

**DAD:** Dude! Barf-ride!

**HARRY:** -is feeling sorry for himself-

**SHELLY:** Dude, he just saw the uber hot Cedric (who plays Edward Cullen in the _Twilight_ movie!) get murdered. Leave him alone!

**KATEY:**_ ..._Shelly, I don't recall asking your opinion on how to write this. Also, I was in love with Robert Pattinson before it was _cool_ to be in love with Robert Pattinson. FUCK YO FANGIRLS!

**SHELLY:** Dude, I'm the _only_ person you show this to when you're still writing it.

**EMMA:** ...Um, actually...she shows me too -smiles-.

**KIMMIE:** Yeah. I've been shown a couple times, too.

**FLO:** Yup. Me too!

**MANOLITA:** I'm special too!

**JD:** I pretty much made this funny!

**KATEY:** You did NOT! You _helped_, that's _all,_ JD!

**JD:** Well, I was the only one who saw the handwritten notes!

**SHELLY:** ...

**KATEY:** ... ANYWAY!

**DUDLEY:** -is laughing-

**HARRY:** -is stupid enough to match wits-

**DUDLEY:** -makes fun of Harry-

**HARRY:** -gets pissed and whips out his wand-

**SHELLY:** ...

**KATEY:** OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!

**THE SKY:** -goes dark and creepy-

**DUDLEY:** -is scared-

**HARRY:** -is uber confused-

**KATEY:** Whoa. This really starts out confusing, doesn't it? -eyetwitch-

**HARRY AND BIG D:** -are suddenly running-

**BIG D:** -is somehow just as fast as Harry, even though he's like, a hundred and fifty pounds heavier than Harry-

**HARRY AND BIG D:**_ -_are stupid enough to _cage_ themselves in a fucking _tunnel_!-

**THE LIGHTS:** -flicker-

**THE ATMOSPHERE:** -is more tense than before-

**HARRY:** -is picked up by a Dementor-

**DEMENTOR:** Hey there, handsome -winks-

**SHELLY:** -looks at Katey-

**KATEY:** ...what?! Comic relief! The Dementor _picks Harry up_! You know, flirts a little before he kills him. Damn that schmexy Dementor!

**HARRY:** Run, Dudley!

**DEMENTOR:** -dements-

**HARRY:** -pokes him in the eye with a hot french fry-

**DEMENTOR:** -drops Harry-

**HARRY:** -blows that shit!-

**KATEY:** OK, hang on. Something's not right here...OH!

**HARRY:** -blows that shit _away,_ yo!-

**SECOND DEMENTOR:** -dements Dudley even more-

**HARRY:** -blows that shit away!-

**MRS FIGG:** -comes out of nowhere- Don't put your wand away, Harry -winks-

**HARRY:** ...WTMFBBQ?

**MRS FIGG:** Dumbledore asked me to watch you. I see you at night. Watch you sleep -wink wink-

**HARRY:** ...-runs inside-

**In The Dursley's House**

**DUDLEY:** -accuses Harry of the Dementors dementing him-

**VERNON:** GAH!

**THE LETTER:** -tells Harry off for performing magic in front of Muggles by coming to life … in front of Muggles …-

**THE DURSLEYS:** -conveniently take off-

**MOODY AND COMPANY:** -show up to steal Harry-

**MOODY:** -cracks an egg on Harry's head-

**HARRY:** DUDE! WTF? That's not in the movie!

**MOODY:** ...it's the spell in the book!

**HARRY:** What are you, new? Things change in the movies!

**HARRY, MOODY AND COMPANY:** -fly away on brooms. Without a cloaking device. Over water. Near ships. Right after Harry got into trouble for performing magic in front of Muggles.-

**KATEY:** ...no comment.

**SHELLY:** OK, Muggles are stupid, but they're not _blind_!

**At Grimmauld Place**

**A HOUSE:** -appears out of nowhere-

**TONKS:** -winks at Harry once inside-

**HARRY: **...

**KATEY:** OK, Tonks, you kick all ass, but the winking is a little much O.o

**HARRY:** -sees Sirius and grins-

**MRS WEASLEY:** -closes the door- Harry -smiles-

**HARRY:** Mrs Weasley, you're great and I love you and everything, but move the _fuck_ out of my way so I can see my godfather.

**MRS WEASLEY:** You can see him at dinner. Go upstairs.

**HERMIONE:** -attacks Harry- ZOMFGHARRYAREYOUOK?DEMENTORS!WTMF?!

**RON:** Let him breathe, Hermione! And pay more attention to _me_. _I'm_ the one you're in love with, remember?

**HERMIONE:** -ignores Ron-

**HARRY:** -gets pissy out of nowhere-

**FRED AND GEORGE:** -appear out of nowhere-

**HARRY:** HOLY MOTHERFUCKERS!

**SHELLY:** Yes; yes they are -is in love-

**FRED, GEORGE, RON, HERMIONE, HARRY AND GINNY:** -listen in on the Order-

**CROOKSHANKS:** -attempts to play with the Extendable Ear-

**EVERYONE:** NO!

**HERMIONE:** Crookshanks! Leave it alone!

**CROOKSHANKS:** -bats at the ear and finally tears it off the string-

**RON:** Hermione, I hate your pussy -looks around- ... cat.

**HERMIONE:** Bad Crookshanks!

**Hallway**

**MRS WEASLEY:** Dinner!

**THE TWINS:** -appear out of nowhere-

**MRS WEASLEY:** GAH! JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN USE MAGIC DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU NEED TO WHIP OUT YOUR WANDS FOR EVERY LITTLE THING!

**SHELLY:** Can they whip them out for me? -wink wink-

**Dinner**

**HARRY:** Why doesn't Fudge believe me? -cries-

**A NEWSPAPER:** -is handed over-

**HARRY:** -has an angry moment-

**SIRIUS:** We think Voldemort is trying to build up his army.

**HARRY:** ...well, no shit.

**MRS WEASLEY:** No! Stop! He might as well join the Order if you tell him anymore!

**HARRY:** Yeah, OK! Lemme in!

**SIRIUS:**-winks-

**KATEY:** WTF! AGAIN WITH THE WINKING!!

**London Underground**

**ARTHUR:** -is being a spazz-

**KATEY:** Arthur = love. 'Nuff said.

**Fellytone Booth**

**ARTHUR:** -presses some numbers-

**ACTUAL NUMBERS:** -are 62442-

**SAID NUMBERS:** -spell out 'magic'-

**HARRY AND ARTHUR:** -are obviously in the MoM-

**KINGSLEY:** -informs them that Harry's hearing has been changed-

**KATEY:** Damn them! Trying to make Harry late!

**Court Hearing**

**HARRY:** -tries to explain-

**FUDGE:** -keeps interrupting-

**HARRY:** -finally gets his story out and is cleared of all charges-

**SHELLY:** ... you totally missed the part where Dumbledore and Figgy stand up for Harry.

**KATEY:** Hey! They leave stuff out all the time! Why can't I?

**King's Cross**

**SHELLY:** Teehee. There's a street in Brampton called 'King's Cross'.

**KATEY:** Teehee. I know. There's also a street called 'James Potter'. It's so cool!

**SIRIUS:** -is a doggie! Woof woof!-

**ALL THE MUGGLES:**-ignore the dog...-

**HARRY:** -follows Sirius into an empty room-

**HARRY/SIRIUS SHIPPERS:** -wolf-whistle-

**KATEY:** No pun intended, I swear. -grins-

**The Train**

**HARRY:** -dreams about the schmexy Lord Voldemort in a suit-

**KATEY:** RAWR BABY! Cum to MUMA!

**SHELLY:** …ew.

**Hogsmeade Station**

**MALFOY:** -is fucking hawt. Even when he pisses Harry off-

**HARRY:** -lunges at Malfoy-

**RON:** -holds Harry back-

**KATEY:** ZOMG! Three of the hottest guys under thirty in this movie are about to fight. Shelly, where's the Jell-O?

**SHELLY:** …-looks around- …I dunno…-wipes red Jell-O off face-

**MALFOY:** -runs off-

**HARRY:** -walks away and finds a carriage. Being pulled by something only Harry can see- W. T. F?

**HARRY, RON, HERMIONE AND NEVILLE:** -meet Luna Lovegood-

**KATEY AND SHELLY:** LUNA!! –party-

**Hogwarts**

**DUMBLEDORE:** So Hagrid's gone and Umbridge is taking over for DADA. Filch has asked me to –

**UMBRIDGE:** Hem hem.

**DUMBLEDORE:** -stops talking-

**KATEY:** Oh, this should be rich …

**UMBRIDGE:** -says a speech-

**HARRY:** What's it mean?

**HERMIONE:** It means that the Ministry is interfering at Hogwarts.

**KATEY:** Well, _obviously_! You couldn't figure that out by her being there?! And why else would you plop a bitch in pink as DADA teacher?!?!

**Gryffindor Common Room (warning: call-backs from the GoF parody appear here)**

**HARRY AND SEAMUS:** -fight-

**HARRY:** -yells-

**SEAMUS:** -yells back-

**RON:** Fuck man! Not two hours of officially being a prefect and I've got a fight to break up? I think I liked it better when I didn't have to be sober for my shoots!

**Defence Against the Dark Arts Class**

**THE CONTENT OF THE CLASS:** -has been changed-

**THE CLASS, KATEY AND SHELLY:** …WTF?

**HARRY:** -gets a detention-

**Detention**

**UMBITCH:** -has a quill that carves stuff into your hand-

**KATEY:** That would be _so cool_ if it wasn't going to hurt Harry.

**UMBITCH:** I want you to write, "I must not tell lies".

**HARRY:** -sighs and gets to work, cutting his _**(crossout)wrist(end crossout)**_ hand open-

**UMBITCH:** That's right. Because you know, deep down, that you deserve to be punished. Don't you, Mr. Potter?

**MUM:** Not really. I wanna punch you in the head, though. And that's pretty close to the fucking surface!

**Gryffindor Common Room (another GoF joke warning)**

**RON AND HERMIONE:** -_still_ make a good couple … ahem … um, find out about Harry's hand-

**HARRY:** -assures them it's fine-

**HERMIONE:** -presses the matter-

**HARRY:** You don't understand!

**HERMIONE:** Then help us too, damn it!

**HARRY:** No, damn it! I like being emo!

**HERMIONE:** FUCK YO ANGST!

**HARRY:** –walks away, singing- Dear diary; mood: apathetic. My life is spiraling downwards. My life is spiraling downward. I couldn't get enough money to go to the Blood Red Romance and Suffocate Me Dry concert. It sucks cause they play some of my favorite songs like "Stab My Heart Because I Love You" and "Rip Apart My Soul" and of course "Stabby Rip Stab Stab". And it doesn't help that I couldn't get my hair to do that flippy thing either…Like that guy from that band can do...Some days, ya know... I'm an emo kid, non-comforming as can be. You'd be non-conforming too if you looked just like me. I have paint on my nails and make-up on my face. I'm almost emo enough to start shaving my legs. 'Cause I feel real deep when I'm dressing in drag. I call it freedom of expression; you just call me a fag. 'Cause our dudes look like chicks and our chicks look like dykes. 'Cause emo is one step below transvestite. Stop my breathing and slit my throat? I must be emo. I don't jump around when I go to shows. I must be emo.

**KATEY:** Oh yeah; Emo!Harry is fucking hawt! –eyeroll- ...whiny little bitch...

**Outside**

**HARRY:** -learns that the thing pulling the carriage is a Thestral-

**Inside**

**UMBITCH:** -becomes Hogwarts' first ever High Inquisitor and becomes even more power-crazed than before. Therefore, she's even bitchier than before!-

**EVERYONE:** -knows because Fudge broadcasted it-

**UMBITCH:** -is interrogating teachers- Can you predict something for me?

**TRELAWNY:** ...wut?

**UMBITCH:** One tiny prophecy?

**TRELAWNY:** Uh ...

**MUM:** I predict that you will be in danger of having the _shit_ kicked out of you in a dark alleyway!

**UMBITCH:** No? Well ...

**TRELAWNY:** WAIT! Uh ... you ... you are in grave danger!

**MUM:** ... of having the shit kicked out of you in a dark alleyway!

**KATEY:** -skips a few scenes-

**Hog's Head**

**HERMIONE AND RON:** -drag Harry to become a "teacher"-

**LUNA:** -saves the day-

**DUMBLEDORE'S ARMY:** -is formed-

**Hogwarts**

**NEVILLE:** -finds the Room of Requirement-

**THE D.A:** -spend the next few scenes practising-

**RON:** Don't worry, Hermione; I'll go easy on you.

**HERMIONE:** But you know how much I like it rough!

**R/HR SHIPPERS:** ZOMFG YUSS!!!

**THE D.A:** -spend another few scenes practising-

**HARRY:** -"snogs" Cho-

**KATEY:** I say "snogs" because, really, that was NOT a snog. Wtf, Harry? You gotta GRAB your woman. Show her you want her! Not stand ten feet away!

**Harry's Bed**

**HARRY:** -sees Mr Weasley get attacked by a snake-

**DUMBLEDORE:** OK, guys! Set out! Snape, you get Harry.

**SNAPE:** -penetrates Harry's mind-

**HARRY:** OH THE PAIN!

**SNAPE:** YOU WILL LIKE IT!!!

**Grimmauld Place**

**HARRY:** -is toasted for saving Arthur's life, tells Sirius about being the snake, hugs his godfather for the last time, goes back to Hogwarts, starts up the D.A. again and they get caught-

**Dumbledore's Office**

**FUDGE:** -attempts to arrest Dumbledore-

**KATEY:** It's not over 'til the gay man winks!

**DUMBLEDORE:** -winks and takes off in a blur of fire and confusion-

**SHELLY:** ...WTF, sir?

**Outside**

**HAGRID:** -shows the trio Grawp and ask them to take care of him-

**GRAWP:** -grabs Hermione-

**RON:** MINE! -runs forward and hits Grawp-

**HERMIONE:**Grawp! Put me down. Now!

**RON:** -pops one-

**GRAWP:** -puts Hermione down-

**HERMIONE:** Just needs a firm hand is all.

**KATEY:** I think _Ron_ needs a firm hand.

**SHELLY:** ...-sigh-

**KATEY:** Oh, shush, you know you love it ;)

**Occlumency**

**HARRY:** -is penetrated again- God, we've been at it for hours! If I could just rest!

**SNAPE:** The Dark Lord isn't resting! -tries to penetrates-

**HARRY:** -counter-penetrates-

**SNAPE:** I'm breaking up with you, get the fuck out of my office.

**O.W.L.s**

**THE O.W.L.S:** -are interupted by the best thing in the world: Fred and George Weasley-

**Outside (More GoF references)**

**SOME DUDE:** YOU IDIOT!

**DAVID YATES:** CUT! Wrong line! This isn't Goblet of Fire, though I should've directed that one! Take two!

**SOME DUDE:** OW! YOU IDIOT!

**DAVID YATES:** CUT! No, mate, you got it wrong! OK, just have him look around and then do the pull the fist by the side thing.

**HARRY:** -faints and has a vision-

**VOLDEMORT:** I can't touch it.

**SIRIUS:** Kill me.

**VOLDEMORT:** I like playing with my food first.

**Hogwarts**

**HARRY, RON AND HERMIONE:** -sneak into Umbitch's office, get caught by said bitch-

**UMBITCH:** -threatens to use the Cruciatus Curse on Harry-

**HERMIONE:** -gets Umbitch and Harry into the Forbidden Forest where they meet up with centaurs, who Umbitch attacks-

**UMBITCH:** ENOUGH! I will have order!

**KATEY:** FUCK YO ORDER!

**UMBITCH:**_ -_is taken away by the centaurs- POTTER! Tell them I mean no harm!

**HARRY:** I'm sorry, professor. I must not tell lies.

**THAT LINE:** -should have been in the book!!-

**Bridge Thing Attatched to Hogwarts**

**HARRY, RON, HERMIONE, GINNY, NEVILLE AND LUNA:** -decide to ride Thestrals to London-

**HERMIONE:** What the FUCK was I thinking? I'm riding something I can't even SEE!

**KATEY:** Pray it stays that way, dammit!

**Ministry of Magic**

**THE TRUE D.A.:** -enter the Department of Mysteries, find the prophecies, find Harry's prophecy, take it, get into a fight with a few handfuls of Death Eaters, fall through the air, and end up at a veil thing-a-majig-

**THE VEIL THING-A-MAJIG:** -is kinda scary/creepy looking-

**THE DEATH EATERS:** -manage to capture everyone but Harry, who still has the prophecy-

**THE ORDER:** -comes out of no where and start kicking Death Eater arse-

**BELLATRIX LESTRANGE:** -kills Sirius-

**HARRY:** -gets angsty and hunts (yes, hunts. Wouldn't you?) Lestrange down, trying to torture her-

**KATEY:** I always get sidetracked when I get this far because I'm always drawn to paying attention to the TRUE wizarding duel that goes on once Voldemort and Dumbledore show up. I fucking love it. These are two wizards who know their magic so bloody well, and the effects are stunning. And I sound like a film reviewer. HUMOUR PLZ!

**VOLDEMORT:** -goes inside Harry- I can still touch you!

**HARRY:** AHHH!!

**DUMBLEDORE:** If Tom Riddle weren't evil, I think I might like this a little too much.

**HARRY:** -fights off Voldemort-

**FUDGE:** -shows up in time to see Voldemort take off- He's back!

**EVERYONE:** NO SHER, SHITLOCK THAT'S WHAT HARRY'S BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!

**Newspaper Clippings**

**SOME RANDOM CRAP:** -is shown about how Voldemort's back and how Dumbledore has his status back-

**Hogwarts**

**HARRY AND DUMBLEDORE:** -talk about how Harry feels after losing Sirius and discuss the prophecy-

**Hallyway**

**HARRY:** -talks to Luna and then goes to the feast-

**LUNA'S SHOES:** -are checkered Converses and I want them so bloody badly-

**Outside For the Final Time**

**HARRY:** We've got something worth fighting for.

**RON:** -looks over at Hermione, who smiles at him and it makes me so fucking happy. Seriously-

**THE END (Until I get around to the first three movies)**


End file.
